TEXT JOKES AND STORIES 1


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12/28/00 LAFADAY LAST

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1/17 to 1/22


Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender!


What I've Learned From Watching Porn-Rated R

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream

with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in

the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his

half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't

disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,

the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your

cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by

giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll

only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind

her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all

parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers

and find a cock there

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly

on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.


ANGER MANAGEMENT

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just

need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to

make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin

Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the

last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"

and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling

would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone

Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID

program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him

back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for

the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I

wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th

Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to

my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it

used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black

Beemer our front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying

your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay

lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West

34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front

of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

 


 

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and

it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I

apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat

crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go!

You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one

year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of

any bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was

right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally...Be really nice to your friends. You never know when

you are going to need them to empty your bedpan


Key Female Words

1. "Fine"

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when

they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any

longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine"

to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of

those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that

your football game is going to last before you take out the

trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"

"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes.

"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has

of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.

"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five

Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for

permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over

"Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will

end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do

what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised

eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five

Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal

statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud

Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders

why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you

over "Nothing!."

7. "Soft Sigh"

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are

one of the few things that some men actually understand. It

means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move

or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"

This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example;

"Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you

were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement,

run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she

is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window,

but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh

as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught

in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a

raised eyebrows "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so

unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman

can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think

long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for

whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the

word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go

Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for

some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you

the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done.

In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble.

If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"

The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for

hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"

"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A

woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off

at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies

that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to

ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell

you "Nothing."


Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at

work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of

lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home

drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you

blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame

the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and

tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers

kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as

it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is

parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame

Bill Gates...okay?


A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some

rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they

don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying

the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asked the Pharmacist.

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with

the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to

her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the

container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"


Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first

worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put

into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a

jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

The first worm, in alcohol--dead.

Second worm, in cigarette smoke--dead.

Third worm, in sperm--dead.

Fourth worm, in soil--alive.

Lesson:

As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.


Three men were trying to guess the professions of their

respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their

bedroom performance and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because

she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher,

because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it

right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess,

because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and

nose and continue to breathe normally."


A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother

bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these

years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor,

hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with

her vagina.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that

your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her

mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she

emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit

dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,

lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out

a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that

thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want

to throw any meat at it!"

 


 

STANDARDS FOR MARRIAGE

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He

decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000

and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets

her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very

nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more

attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new

set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive

clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent

all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times

the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the

remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save

for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time

about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married

the one with the largest breasts.

Men are Men. What did you expect?


Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see

two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married,

looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to

do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says,

"Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next

morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you

get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy

replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so

many? "The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

 


 

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are

the next bombshell mergers, investors should expect:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace

Company merge to become, Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become,

Polly Warner Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to

become, Zip Audi Do Da.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become, FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become

Fairwell Honeychild

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become, Poupon Pants.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and

become, Knott NOW.

 


 

After spending his first week at the "home", the father reports to his son

that all is well with the exception of bedtime.

Father says, "Strangest damn thing, son. They give me a cup of hot chocolate

right before bed, which is very nice. But they make me take a Viagra pill

with it."

The son asks the head nurse about this.

She explains, "The cocoa is to help him sleep, the Viagra keeps him from

rolling out of bed!"

 


 

Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treat is better than SEX:

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a

little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes

and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier

it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the

person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't

fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache,

it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask,

no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear

you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want in your own neighborhood,

you can always go to another!

 


 

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you

know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know

where my hearing aid is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the husband

finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that

he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned

and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not

gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of

diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a

great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were

standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and

washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her,

so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would

notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally

the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we

found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck

and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth

$50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything

inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those

guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and

when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no

spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from

their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking

quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich,

begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real

distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asks one of

the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks

down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to

the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the

obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but,

I never seen anybody do it."

 


 

Breaking Wind

--------------

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly

forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's

habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would

always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she

would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him

to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She

begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband

wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function

and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with

her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he

didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued

to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until One Thanksgiving

morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed

pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was

taking out the

turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve

her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the

turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her

flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently

pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey

guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and

tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt

trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound

of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife

could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the

floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten

even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood

stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep

from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't

listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of

these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two

fingers, I think I

got 'em all back in."

 


 

Breaking Wind

--------------

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly

forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's

habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would

always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she

would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him

to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She

begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband

wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function

and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with

her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he

didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued

to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until One Thanksgiving

morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed

pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was

taking out the

turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve

her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the

turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her

flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently

pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey

guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and

tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt

trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound

of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife

could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the

floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten

even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood

stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep

from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't

listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of

these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two

fingers, I think I

got 'em all back in."

 


 

Dear Santa:

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I

really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Kenny

Dear Kenny,

Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch

your house. You'll have more fucking fire trucks than you'll know what to do

with.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and

daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter?

He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some

nice LEGOs instead.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your

reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want

to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please.

PLEASE, Jimmy

Jimmy,

That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work

up here. You're getting another sweater.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my

time squeezing cocktail waitress' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps

table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How

'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm

giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and

joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than

me. Please see what you can do.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of

dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are

even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed,

like "Chutes and Ladders."

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a

pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like

in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass

kicked at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent

apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like

all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams! Santa

 


>Schizophrenia beats being alone.

>If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

>You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.

>You will learn a lot today.

>Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

>Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

>All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

>Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

>I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

>

>A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS . . .

>but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

>The Meek shall inherit the earth . . . after we're through with it.

>Two can live as cheaply as one . . . for half as long.

>HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken;

>A lifetime commitment for a pig.

>Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

>Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

>THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE --

>So keep on going.

>Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

>Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

>It's hard to make a comeback - when you haven't been anywhere.

>WELCOME TO UTAH - Set your watch back 20 years.

>Don't get married. - Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

>It's a lot easier on you.

>A closed mouth gathers no foot.

>The trouble with life is there's no background music.

>When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

>Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

>What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

>We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

>Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

>Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

>Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?

 


 

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,

hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert

for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on

their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a

bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and

grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel

fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband

along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do

more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added

vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with

natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until

red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come

off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get

it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the

water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap

hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and

then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in

a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake

wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see

if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and

scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower)

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor

because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your

wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound

again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed.

23. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 


 

A little Boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says, "I bet I know what you want for

Christmas, " and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he

spells "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter,

"C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of

candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas"? Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell

me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

 


 

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish

jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to

sprinkle the old porcelain.

While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm

Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"

So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in

Poland."

"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.

Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place

to plug it in.

------------------------------------------------------------

This is a most confusing time: The leading rap singer is white, the world's

best golfer is black, and Bill Clinton just got back from Vietnam.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How are women like bowling balls?

A: You shove your fingers in, throw them in the gutter and they still come

back for more!

------------------------------------------------------------

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before

washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair

several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and

asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

 


 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched

her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of

your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself

better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the

penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up

we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman... and your

brother!

------------------------------------------------------------

What do ya call an Irish queer?

A man who prefers women over Guinness.

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpe.

------------------------------------------------------------

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for

several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of

just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any

reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

>From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex,

saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the

man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes

later, white as a

sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"I think she choked."

 


 

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other.

They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to

continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the

time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the

covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He

reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it and says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda

pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his Johnson

which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere,

baby."

------------------------------------------------------------

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,

but the calf won't get much sleep.

----Woody Allen

------------------------------------------------------------

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your

two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.

-----Steven Wright

------------------------------------------------------------

A Man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning Me. What should

I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I

can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I

spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi.