TEXT JOKES 2

 


Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final

> > > > test was for them to line up in a straight row,

> > > > totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and

> > > > beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced

> > > > before them. Each priest had a small bell

> > > > attached to his penis and they were told that

> > > > anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front

> > > > of them would not be ordained because he had not

> > > > reached a state of spiritual purity.

> > > >

> > > > The beautiful model danced before the first

> > > > candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded

> > > > down the line with the same response from all the

> > > > priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).

> > > > As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that

> > > > it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

> > > > Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward,

> > > > bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.


Hard to believe, but another year has passed...For those who don't know it,

the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died (or

almost died) in the stupidest way. You be the judge based on the

stories below who the winner should be.

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a

shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally

shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo,

Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described

as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway

while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a

troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other

man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger,47, accidentally

shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC Awakening to the sound of

a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed

instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety

of window in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his

shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry

Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto

Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength

of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has

conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports.

Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the

Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest members

of the 200-man association."

NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no

ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his

own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts

of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and

cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination

of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the

poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had

his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut

up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big

man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas." Three of the

rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made news of

the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South

Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence

reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and

attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]. "A cigarette lighter may have

triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a

cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday

night when the weapon discharged in his face," sheriff's investigators

said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about

11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader

that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into

the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder

on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped

and fell ...23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a

wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said

Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair

moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No. 9 Arkansas Democrat Gazette. Two local men were seriously

injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton

Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy

Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston

Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock

are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident

occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging

trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights

malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the

older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available,

Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly

into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the

bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men

proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20

miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated,

discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved

sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole

suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require

surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicleand

was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off

or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten

years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't

believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said

Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, askedhow

many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.(Way

to go, Lavinia!) "All I can say is that Poole is sure married to theright

woman! I just hope they don't have kid


Subject: When did you learn math?
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that
his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010: El Loggero se habla with the truckero y se ponen
de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y etc...


Pick up line??

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Peanut butter is brown,
Let's fuck!


"Differences between bosses and employees"

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping

your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a

drunken bum.

When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's

overworked.


A lady who had been married for several years was growing

more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest

in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to

their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase

some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and

he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower,

freshened up, and donned he crotchless undies and a slinky

negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the

television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair

arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your

underwear."


"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.

I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see

what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take

off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all

the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may

put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health,"

he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."


The Top 13 Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500

"'None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your

teeth."'

"'Tampax! Get cha Tampax here!"'

"'Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."'

"'Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."'

"'My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"'

"'Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! We're

trying to watch a race here!"'

"'Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street

Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted

cream for my scone."'

"'What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting

Hooters, too!"'

"'These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel

Richie concert!"'

"'Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand

you're looking for a new corporate sponsor..."'

"'Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."'

"'Filling in for Dale 'the intimidator' Earnhardt today is

substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."'

"'...and now, singing our national anthem -- international

recording artist Boy George!"'

 


#1

A man went out walking one day, and he walked past a retirement home.

As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in

lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all

stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered

the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 old ladies laying in

the sun on the front lawn, stark naked.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were

all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were

having a yard sale.

#2

A "heartwarming" story of the advances of women in achieving equality

throughout the world...Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years

before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10

feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that

men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters gleefully

approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell

the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.



THE ORDINATION OF 12 PRIESTS!


Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a
state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same 
response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off
and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. ... And then, all the other bells started to ring



Subject: Women's rights



A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality
throughout the world. Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in
Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently, and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the
women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just
what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
 


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
> > dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
> > ponder his
> > accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders
> > into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several
> > hours have passed quite happily. After
> > a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks,
> > "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
> > She asks "What?"
> > He replies "SEX!"
> > Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a
> > gun to your head!"
> > "I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
> > for a while."
> > "Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
> > removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
> > agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit
> > and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. One night, Howard didn't
> > show up at their usual meeting place.
> > Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was
> > okay.
> > She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting
> > by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's
> > manhood!
> > Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that
> > I don't have????"
> >
> > Howard smiled and replied,"Parkinson's."

 

ANGER MANAGEMENT

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just

need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to

make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin

Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the

last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"

and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling

would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone

Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID

program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him

back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for

the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I

wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th

Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to

my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it

used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black

Beemer our front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying

your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay

lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West

34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front

of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.